Freedom from the desire for an answer is essential to the understanding of a problem. ~ Krishnamurti
Today has been one of those days. Energy is down. Mood is down. Appetite is gone. Can’t sleep. Don’t want to be awake. Can’t focus on a book. Can focus on a movie. I’m merely existing today.
The day didn’t start that way. I woke up at 4AM with too many thoughts in my head and had a good, long cry. It actually made me feel better for a while, long enough to have a peaceful nap before hitting the gym. I was sluggish at the gym but I had a great workout. Having something to focus on besides my health issues and my recent losses is something I really make an effort to incorporate into each day. And exercise seems, for me, to be the best way to do that. When I’m lifting weights, I think about my alignment, and I focus on slow, purposeful movements. And when the set is done, the feeling of accomplishment and the endorphin rush makes me feel human for a little while. So the gym has become my favorite place these days.
Unfortunately, the first thing I do when I get back to my locker is check my phone for any kind of message that could suggest my life might take a turn for the better. Any number of things would do this: a sudden windfall of money, allowing me to quit medicine and focus on other things (at least for awhile), a supportive text message from a friend (which frequently happens), a phone call from my soulmate informing me he’s at the airport. And some days, a prediction that my life will end today would be the best news of all.
And today, when none of these things happened, I came home and collapsed on the couch, with no desire to be, do, think, anything.
Writing this blurb, as pathetic as it is, actually helps. Putting words out into the world is a way of being in it. At least that’s what I’m telling myself! Hopefully later this afternoon I can try again to feel alive...maybe a walk. :)
